Admitting Mistakes

Features, The Jakarta Post, June 17, 2007
Published as "Admitting mistakes crucial to seeking solutions"
Kayee Man and Dewi Susanti

Sorry seems to be the hardest word, coos Elton John.

Whether it is the hardest word to say or not, Kayee's friend advises people in romantic relationships that during moments of tension "Always say sorry first, then find out what you have done wrong."

A little extreme perhaps, but from Kayee's field research, also proven to be very effective.

Saying sorry is effective. Just imagine how you would feel if you have been offended or wronged by a person; what would be your reaction if the person did not want to acknowledge his or her mistake and to apologize for it?

The chances are you would hold a negative feeling against the person and would probably share such sentiments in your social circles. Even the most positive-minded people need emotional outlets.

Let's say you "couldn't give a toss" about the person you have offended. Why would saying sorry -- no matter how hard it is -- still be important?

If our human tendency is to tell others how we have been wronged, the offender's reputation would be marred. This happens in everyday working and in public relationships.

If word of mouth is your best marketing tool, then word of mouth can also be your worst negative publication. Whether you say sorry or not when it is needed will affect your reputation and integrity.

So what are you like when it comes to saying sorry? Why do some people find it harder to say sorry than others? We would venture to guess that pride and ego hold some of us back in saying it.

Whilst we can be here all day discussing why many of us find it hard to admit mistakes, we know for sure that not admitting a mistake when it has been made can be very detrimental -- not only for personal relationships but also for seeking solutions.

Depending on the nature of the mistake, not admitting one can possibly have catastrophic consequences.

Sydney Finkelstein wrote in his book Why Smart Executives Fail how, in the year 2000, the Japanese company Snow Brand did not react to reports of outbreaks of food poisoning caused by their milk product until some 60 hours after the first reported incidents.

Five days after the first reported incident, some 6,000 people had become sick. According to Finkelstein, "consumers and the media were outraged that top executives in Tokyo had not even acknowledged the incident, let alone taken responsibility" (p. 116).

He attributed the occurrence of this event to the company's culture where it was not acceptable to make or admit mistakes.

Admitting mistakes is really a two-step process: Acknowledge you have made a mistake or done wrong, then apologize. The more positive-minded would add another step to the process: Learn from the mistake and improve the situation if necessary.


One bad thing leads to another

Compare Snow Brand's reaction to a corporate mistake of Johnson and Johnson's. In 1982, the latter recalled 30 million bottles of Tylenol pills after seven people died from cyanide-laced pills (Time magazine, April 30, 2007).

Imagine if Johnson and Johnson did not admit to this shortcoming in their packaging? How many more people might have died could be anyone's guess.

Johnson and Johnson, however, chose to deal with the situation and introduced tamper-proof packaging.

In Finkelstein's book, it was reported that recently, American budget airline JetBlue's CEO David Neeleman embarked on a week-long media apology tour following 100,000 travelers being stranded after "bad weather decimated its operating ability -- in one case JetBlue passengers were left on a snowed-in runway for more than nine hours."

Neeleman was reported to have used the "s" word in national newspaper ads: "Words cannot express how truly sorry we are for the anxiety, frustration and inconvenience that you, your family, friends and colleagues experienced."

To improve the situation, Neeleman implemented a customer Bill of Rights and promised to reimburse customers for similar events in the future.

Whilst admitting corporate mistakes may be necessary as a dual-pronged approach to positive public relations and convincing customers to continue the consumption of a product, we have many lessons to learn from these stories from a damage-control or mini-crisis management perspective.

Dewi and a colleague recently started a creativity training course with some university students, arranged through the faculty of the university.

The first session started an hour after its initial schedule. In the second session, more than half of the students did not show up for class and, to rub salt in the wound, the students who did turn up were again an hour late. Dewi and her colleague decided consequently to cancel the training.

The faculty was more apologetic to the students who did turn up than to the two of them.

Dewi and her colleague explained to the faculty that they could not go through with the training if students did not commit to it, and that their positions as outsiders did not make it possible for them to speak directly with the students.

Obviously, the two were not happy with the incident.

So what happened next? Bad public relations for the offenders -- which was exactly what happened to the university in question.

Bad attitude of the students, equally bad attitude of the faculty and poor handling of the situation by the faculty were the news of the day.

Are we not all too familiar with a situation such as this in our everyday working lives?

Then came a twist in events. The following day, the administrator from the university called. He apologized for the students' behavior. He admitted and apologized for being defensive. He offered a solution to ensure the incident would not occur again.

Positive news of the faculty spread. Appreciation of his courageous conduct improved how we viewed his integrity as a person. Damage to personal relationships was fixed.


Being constructive

Whilst the kind of mistakes we make in our everyday lives may not cause catastrophes or affect too many people, negative outcomes of not admitting our mistakes can nonetheless have detrimental consequences.

As we have already mentioned, personal relationships can be damaged. More importantly, doors to solution-finding remain stubbornly locked.

Admitting a mistake and apologizing for it is key -- if not crucial -- to unlocking the door to find a positive way forward.

As we have noted, it's not easy to admit you have made a mistake. See mistakes from this perspective instead: Who doesn't make mistakes?

Even the smartest people in our times admit to making mistakes.

An example is Samuel Johnson, regarded as one of England's greatest literary figures and a lexicographer. According to AskOxford.com, he defined "pastern" as the "knee" of a horse (it is in fact a part of the horse's foot), and when asked why, he simply replied, "Ignorance, Madam, pure ignorance."

Secondly, we also know it's extremely hard for some of us to say "I'm sorry." Considering, though, the big cost to our reputation, we should definitely consider other ways.

Here are some alternatives: "Please forget about what I've said or done"; "I shouldn't have said or done that"; "I know it would've been better if I did this instead"; "The way I behaved wasn't right, can we try again?"; "I thought about what happened."

For the brave: "It was purely my mistake."

Kayee has observed that even young people have found a way to admit mistakes without denting their street-cred.

If you ever want to try it their way, try saying: "Sorry, my bad." ("My bad" here means "my mistake".) To indicate "We're good", follow with a high-five, casually done.

In addition, if face-to-face apologies prove too taxing for apology newbies, there are different ways to send the message, too: over the telephone, text messages, e-mail, apology card, flowers, chocolates, balloons.

If you can imagine it, you can use it.

Sorry may be the hardest word to say. But saying sorry can reverse ill feelings, open the way to finding solutions, and may even result in improvement of your personal and professional reputation.

Don't let your pride and ego become blocks to the path of constructive action.